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mengejar.

“aku rindu masa lalu ku, hidup tanpa masalah, kesedihan dan air mata.” ucapnya.

“oh iya! terlebih masa kecil ku, dipenuhi oleh tawa dan canda. tidak seperti saat ini.” tambahnya.

“menurut mu, lebih nikmat jalan mundur atau maju?” tanyaku.

“balasan mu gak nyambung dengan curhatanku! ya jelas jalan maju lah.” jawabnya ketus.

“maka lebih baik kamu mengejar masa depan daripada sibuk berusaha menangkap masa lalu yang hanya menahan mu.” jelasku.

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one of my biggest secret.

the lyrics that can suit with nowadays situation is “you never notice glass unless its broken”.

we’ve lost so many people in a few days like Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain and I’m sure there are many more amazing human. We didn’t notice what they suffered until they took “the decision”. and right now I wanna tell you my story that I never told anyone before.

I have suffered so many things, I still do. I can obsess over something for a days, weeks, months or even years. I could barely sleep at night or I would always forcing my self to sleep so I don’t have to deal with my reality that I couldn’t deal.

I can’t talk to someone or even ask for help because they will just said that I’m being over and by a minute I’ll get over it which at the end I tried to be like that. Nobody give me their heart and ears, they just gave me their happiness. It felt sucks, the feeling when nobody would never hear you, approach you, understand you and make you feel completely alone.

But thank God now I have an internet friend, I can tell her about everything and she never judge me. She understands me the way nobody could. She will just listen to me and at the end will say “I understand you and you are not alone. I will get through everything with you and you will always have my heart and ears.”.  and because of her now I can heal my self by my own. I choose to be the different version of me just to make me feel comfortable with all my stuff. I don’t hang out a lot, stay in my room, not join any community and don’t have any commitment with someone.

For anyone who suffering right now, you will never be alone. You have something around you, you just have to give more time to find it. I don’t know how to say it in a good way, but we can fight together. It’s fine to be not fine, it’s fine to be sad because right now I choose to be sad. Sadness can bring happiness to me.

For anyone who doesn’t suffer or “normal”, stop being so selfish. Stop compare your life with us when we tell our story. We just need to be heard. Stop tell us that we don’t have faith in God.

I wish I can join a movement to make awareness about mental illness in the future when I finally can deal with my darkness.

the reason why I don’t have a boyfriend yet because I always in love with a stranger, like completely stranger.

I was in love with my schoolmate, classmate, and now with a stranger I meet at transjakarta everyday.

yes I mention schoolmate and classmate which you’ll think that they are not a stranger, but they are. because I have no idea who they are.

and now let’s talk about my new stranger, I called him Blue.

I saw Blue a few weeks ago and I met him two days in a row. The reason why I’m in love with him because he could warm me. (if you thinking maybe i just like him the answer is no because i keep thinking about him).

The first time I saw him I just thinking that he’s cute and cool. Earphone, piercing, beard, and flannel made him cute. My eyes couldn’t stop looking at him until our gaze met. I was like “Okay I need to get my shit together” and he just looked away.

If my friends notice I always looked at my watch every time our class ended because I can’t wait to meet him again, even tho I know he would never notices me.

I’m dying to know him. To know his instagram, where he lives, how his daily life, or maybe just everything about him.

But still, I need a real love, not just a fantasy love like I have right now.

Something in me needed that. I want to be heard, touch, talk to someone every day. He will asks about my day, who made me angry, who ruined my day and he’ll be the one who makes everything fine again.

It would be so fun if there’s someone that can make me feels home again. I might have a wonderful friends, supportive family, amazing mother but still I need a partner, someone from outside my space.

It could be you, Blue.

biggest mistake.

tadi siang pas lagi di gojek tiba-tiba mikir ternyata udah lama banget ga pacaran, kira-kira terakhir 3 tahun yang lalu HUHU sedih dikit dan akhirnya flashback ke masa-masa dulu pacaran dan baru sadar bahwa selama ini gue punya satu kesalahan yang selalu diulang sampe sama yang terakhir, yaitu terlalu percaya.

gue adalah tipikal yang ngebebasin banget kalo si partner mau main sama siapa pun. mau sama mantannya, mantan orang yang disuka, orang yang kegatelan, orang yang menye-menye, gue akan bodoamat karena gue mikir dia ngga akan macem-macem. tapi beda kasusnya kalo pas dia main temen-temennya ngecie-cie-in dia, kalo udah begitu sih gue bisa ngamuk sewindu. namun intinya harus ada pengaruh dari luar dulu baru gue bisa kepancing, kalo nggak ada yang ngebakar ya gue akan seadem salju.

mau cerita sedikit, dulu mantan gue (mari kita inisialkan R) menurut gue orang yang bener-bener bisa manfaatin kepercayaan dengan baik. waktu itu (dan sadly sampe sekarang sedih bebque) dia selalu main bareng orang yang dulu dia suka, tapi setiap kali mau main dan yang pasti mainnya tanpa gue dia selalu bilang dan berusaha ngeyakinin bahwa ya dia udah emang nggak ada apa-apa sama sekali dengan orang itu. sejujurnya gue pun nggak butuh untuk diyakinin setiap saat karena gue selalu mikir kalo dia udah milih untuk sama gue ya buat apalagi harus repot-repot meyakinkan sesuatu yang udah pasti.

partner berganti partner (wow kesannya laku sekali) sifat gue nggak banyak berubah, tetep terlalu percaya dan ngebebasin dia untuk main dan bergaul dengan siapa aja. mau yang gue gakenal ataupun kenal. sampai akhirnya gue merasa sangat kecolongan dan menetapkan bahwa kepercayaan gue adalah keselahan terbesar yang selama ini gue anut.

kali ini mau banyak cerita tentang yang terakhir (mari kita insialkan dengan S). gue gapernah punya rasa percaya yang lebih dari rasa percaya gue ke S. gue bener-bener gapernah atau mungkin sangat jarang untuk cemburu seperti perempuan kebanyakan, termasuk kalo dia mau main sama mantannya malah gue ledekin bukannya dilarang. alasan gue bisa sepercaya itu karena gue ngeliat usaha dia. pada saat prosesnya gue sok-sokan jadi orang yang hard to get sampe akhirnya temen-temen dia ikutan dalam proses tersebut, yaudah dong gue liat niatnya akhirnya gue iyain deh (sok banget ga tuh), dan ya emang bener dia anaknya sebaik itu walaupun sangat teramat ribet. walaupun hubungan officialnya cuma seumur jagung tapi ketidakjelasan kita umur panjang, dari situ gue makin percaya bahwa dia emang jujur dan sangat deserve kepercayaan gue.

tapi ternyata gue salah. selama ini dia terlihat baik-baik aja dan bahagia atas keputusan yang gue buat padahal pada kenyataannya dia sama sekali nggak merasa seperti itu, sampai akhirnya dia harus mencari orang lain untuk melengkapi apa yang jadi keinginannya. pada saat gue tau itu rasanya marah dan kecewa, karena selama ini gue percaya bukan dengan diri dia yang sebenarnya. tapi perasaan gue pun nggak pantas untuk ada karena nggak ada komitmen dan hubungan yang dikhianati, karena kita berdua nggak punya itu semua. ya kita bertahan dengan hubungan yang nggak jelas dan gitu-gitu aja. waktu itu sempet dibahas dan gue bilang dia banyak bohong ke gue, namun dijawab dengan sangat mudah “kenapa bohong kan itu bukan selingkuh” wow sakit menusuk jiwa raga tulang sumsum, karena itu bener.

kepercayaan gue berubah menjadi membiarkan orang yang gue sayang. mungkin itu membuat orang lain tidak merasa disayangi. kepercayaan gue berubah menjadi bentuk ketidakpeduliaan dan gue kesannya “nggak ngejagain” si partner, ketika apa yang dipikiran gue adalah gue ngga harus ngejagain orang yang sudah aman untuk jadi milik gue.

fifth harmony.

IM GONNA BE SO CRINGE SO DONT @ ME.

it was started maybe 2 years ago when i just split up with my ex boyfriend. i felt like i lost a half of my life because i couldnt be able to do our routine together ever again so i decided to gave all of my life to youtube maybe i almost watched 100 videos in a day. until i found a very interesting video.

i didnt know why i watched it but that was really caught my attention. i didnt know who they are at the moment so i need to ask google about them until i said “OH YAELAH MEREKA” then after one video to another to another again until i know their story.

their first music video i watched was all in my head, tbh it was so sensual for me because of my east culture but still it wasnt bother me at all, and i fell for them since then.

i found my new routine. watch their videos, go to fan account on instagram, looking for their news on twitter and end with reading a fanfic on wattpad. such a pathetic day but idgaf because i was so happy. i felt like they brought such a positive energy. i learned lots of new things, my english (maybe) became much better, got lots of new friends from around the world.

i had some really exciting memories about them. the first one was when i went to their concert for the first time in Malaysia (which means im out of country without my family for the first time wow such an adult and also thank you to my friend and mum because you made my dream came true). i came alone to there because im such a sosial awkward and couldnt make friends then it happened again when i went to their concert in Jakarta. I almost made friend but i decided to ran away because im so scared i didnt know why wow kocag.

BUT BEING A FAN OF A GROUP WILL NEVER EVER EASY. there will be a day they break your heart into a billion pieces. and that was when they announced camila out and their post about the hiatus.

last night was their last public show together as a group (HEHE NANGIS SETAHUN YU SERU). i will forever grateful because i can witness their success for the last 2 years. i dont know what should i write because im so sad but i cant be sad auah gelap.

i cant wait to see them as a solo artist, writer or maybe anything else. i gave them my heart and thank God they treated it so well. im not the best at words but still i wanna thank them for make me who i am today, to be more honest to myself, to accept my darkest side and to be brave to face the world.

i really love them and now i’ll try to not fall to little mix or any other group because if i do it again i will be the stupidest person on the planet.

 

negativity

im (kinda) a positive person. like i really choose my words when im about to speak, i dont want my words become a weapon to myself.

that’s why i find myself hard to teach someone. if there’s someone come to me and say “im so stupid, i cant do this so please teach me” then i will never teach them. i’ll take their words. if they called their self stupid then be stupid, if they feel they cannot do something then never dare to try that. i dont tryin to be mean, not at all. but i hate someone who already label their self that they cant do something, they are stupid, and bla bla bla.

but if someone come to me and say “i cant do this yet, please teach me” then i will teach them until they become a master.

i hope you’ll get my point. im so sick of people who already put their self down.

sorry if i sound so mean.

*ps: if there’s any grammar mistakes please tell me kindly because i still learning and will love to learn from all of you.

xx